I opened my eyes and was wide awake, dammit I thought, go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for an hour and figured if I cant sleep I might as well get up and do something. This is usually when I go to sleep, not get up. Coffee and a ciggi at 3:00am YUM!
When the clock ticked 5:00AM I strapped on my blown trail runners and ran off into the night. At first I had the world to myself, as Bellingham lay sleeping I trotted through the night. Then it happened, One runner then another then couples and groups. Every person I passed greeted me with smiles and good morning hellos as we passed in the night. A said a silent prayer and as I rounded a corner there on the hill was a church lit up for the whole world to see. Its a shame people are sleeping at this time of day.
I slowly pushed up a long hill, I wasn’t in a hurry but I could hear the clompity clomp of foot steps behind me. Two girls jogged by and I was rewarded with a beautiful view of cute little jogging booties and pony tails dancing to the rhythm of their gait. Why don’t I do this everyday I thought to myself. I don’t know if I fell asleep or was just deep in the zone but all of the sudden I was really far from home. I felt great and just kept running. Its amazing how little it actually takes to change your life. For me it was a single step, Im back and it feels good but there is much house keeping yet to do.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Day two of test shots for the new Tuf Girls calender, Chelsea, Miss June was awesome. I have several more shoots lined up for her and a big one with her, Jessica and three yet to be determined girls for our tribute to the stars and stripes which will be our cover photo.
A woman whose smile is open and whose expression is glad has a kind of beauty no matter what she wears.
When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed by the rain, though you will get the same soaking. This understanding extends to all things.” From the Samurai manual, called the Hagakure
For once in my life my thoughts aren’t crystal clear. I’m trapped like a rat, and ready to chew my foot off to escape. I wont get into the chain of events that got me here, but here I am again. In 20 days if I cant climb out of this hole I loose everything. I should be scared but I’m not, I’m pissed off. I’ve grown weary of being stolen from, lied to, taken advantage of, and generally just feel fucked over. The reality is I have nobody to blame but myself for letting these things happen. How did this happen? It doesn’t really matter the path that got me lost, what matters most is the path to freedom.
I can choose any path but I I must choose wisely. Winter is setting in and I still have no heater or auxiliary source of propulsion. I’ve been trapped in an endless maze of false security for too long. I have trusted and relied on the wrong people. Deep down I know I have all the answers. All I have to do now is muster the courage to make change.
For once in my life I am going to put myself first. I have started the search for all that has been lost, starting with my dignity.
There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuse, only results.
70.8% is the amount of water that covers the planet earth. It also happens to be close to the percentage of water the human body is made of. It’s even closer to the amount of our brain that we do not use.
“Living inside my own head is a melody of noise with intermittent silence. Sounds last no longer than time will allow to strike the next note. So melodic to listen to your own tune and tune outside distractions in. While the rhythm of the rock spinning beneath my feet goes unheard.” -Seamus Nash
I have recently had a life altering or maybe more of a mind altering experience. There are times when I feel like I move faster than the rest of humanity, be in in mind, body, or spirit. These are all things I cannot understand but I can feel them moving through my world. I often know exactly what someone is trying to say minutes before they finish talking. My mind feels as if its one step ahead and my dreams come true just as often as not. What I’m getting at is my mind is mush, I have been spending my time attempting to reach the deep unknown parts of my brain. While I have achieved this before through mediation, I am now attempting to do it in a completely concious state. If this blog seems to bounce all over the place, well… Welcome to my world.
My journey into human instinct, mine in particular will be a test in letting go of all I think I know and walking into the light.
Nature will be my only guide on this journey into the past, future, and present of all I have ever experienced , wanted, or known. I’m going down the rabbit hole.
“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
“There is pleasure in the pathless woods; There is rapture on the lonely shore; There is society, where none intrudes, By the deep sea, and music in its roar; I love not man the less, but Nature more…” -Lord Byron
Anyone that knows me well knows if nothing else in my life there is one constant. Every time there is a full moon I go crazy, my body cries out to strip my cloths off and run naked into the woods. Fall has the same effect on me as I feel the transition in my soul from sailor to mountain man. I want to make fire, eat raw meat and mate.
“Look deep, deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.”
I don’t know what it is that is stirring inside of my soul, but whatever it is its larger than I am. I feel transition in my life and look forward to the bitter cold and raging storms of winter.
When I stare mother nature in the eye she’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, hers and mine are the same.”
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” -James Baldwin
Several years ago I was fortunate enough to live with the Indians. I wasnt just on the res, I was living on hallowed ground. It was a place were no non Indians were allowed and even if you were a tribal member it was only open for sacred ceremony.
Of all the places I have ever lived this little abandoned clam plant is still one of my all time favorite places, beautiful beyond compare. I was having a conversation with one of my good friends when I asked him why they didn’t clean up all the trash and debris all over the place. He scanned the horizon and asked me what I was talking about. All these rotting barges and bulldozers. Those are not trash Alan, we use those all the time, they are just broken and we cant afford to fix them. When we get the money we will get them going again. It took my white brain time to wrap around the subject but once I did what I once perceived as a littered landscape became art to me. The Behemoth relics of days gone by became part of my home, part of the landscape I lived in.
Living with the Indians I learned of a culture who works as one. One giant family helping neighbors and friends. These jovial fun living people changed my perception of the world and how we treat each other and our possessions. There are no words to describe the friendship and generosity I experienced living with this small tribe. If nothing else it has tought me to see. Open your eyes, there is a big world out there and we are all nothing but a tiny spec on the surface. The next time you seek to judge another remember this Native American Proverb
“Don’t judge any man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.” -
“And while I stood there I saw more than I can tell, and I understood more than I saw; for I was seeing in a sacred manner the shapes of things in the spirit, and the shape of all shapes as they must live together like one being.” -Black Elk
“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.” -White Elk