Today I am going to put up a real time blog, I rarely spend more than 5-10 minutes writing but it is often done in stages throughout the day between clients or other little projects. Today I will update each section as I write it so you can see the progression of my ADD influenced writing style.
Spring is in the air and I have survived another brutally lonely and depressing winter. Holed up in the boat I had time to think, time to feel and time to discover. I have been pushing so hard and for so long to make this journey happen that I’m completely burned out. There has been so much going on in my life and with only so many hours in the day, none was left for Alan time. Last week I read Who Moved My Cheese and something clicked in my tired brain. I took my good friend ken’s advice and became a cloud, now I am just hovering. I have walked away from everything, cleared my head and my heart and am just flowing with the ebb and flow of the tide. Last Friday I received a piece of certified mail from the marina, pay $992.00 within 10 days or we seize your boat. Well I have made exactly $1500 year to date and had about $8.00 to my name when received the letter. I read the letter, folded it up and went back to hoover mode. Nothing matters and nothing can bring any negative thoughts or patterns into my life. A small miracle happened over the weekend and I my boat is safe for now.
For over half my life surfing was my life’s blood. I searched the world for the perfect break, but having found it I didn’t just paddle out. I would kneel on the beach and study the lineup, when I felt ready I would paddle out and sit waiting for the perfect wave. I have let thousands roll by but when the perfect one came along I would paddle with all my might and ride the wave as long as I possible could. I treat love the same way, there are millions of fish in the ocean but only one for me, when I found her I dove right in paddled with all my might and caught her, it’s gonna be a good ride.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
I was in the boat the other night when I heard Chloe going nuts outside the boat, she usually reserves her spastic cry’s and whimpers for a select few. I walked out and there she was, draped in beautiful long red curls, the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on, crouched down and playing with Chloe. She stood up and gave me a giant hug. This meeting was pure serendipity, I invited her into my cockpit and stared into her beautiful grey eyes. We chatted and laughed as if we had known each other our entire life’s. The more we talked the more we had in common, I felt a chill in my spine and we both went silent for a moment, through random conversation it turned out that my father was her fathers college professor over thirty years ago.
When she pulled out this bottle of whiskey I smiled, then she asked If I smoked. We toasted and shared a smoke and laughed the night away. Together we share more in common than any I have known but also are clearly on different paths. Every trial has a river to cross just as every river flows to the sea, evaporates and is returned to the mountains from which it came. They say that people come into our life’s for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. This beautiful evening may have been just that, one beautiful moment stopped in time. I’m living in the moment, open to everything but expecting nothing, I’m an cloud, I’m just hoovering.
The moment I gave up everything was the moment life opened to me. If you see me walking through the marina you might notice something is a little different about me, my step is a little lighter, my smile is a little brighter. Last night I crawled into my bed covered in girly pheromones and sang myself to sleep.
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
~ Bob Marley
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes
on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two “wolves”
inside us all..
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence,empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grand son thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
“Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”