8 miles into my journey I turned the boat around and headed back to the dock, I’m done.
Yesterday I got the news just a little late, I had missed my ride and my one chance a year to be with my family. I tried to mask my disappointment, hung up the phone and walked out the door. I came back to work after hours, cleaned up my desk and left a note that said gone sailing.
I walked down to the boat and got her all set up, by the time I was ready to leave it was nearly 11:00pm but I was wide a wake. For the first time ever I sailed easily out of the harbor Bellingham was pushing me out of the nest. In the light winds it took over two hours to get across the 8 mile bay. It was beautiful and balmy as the gentle winds scooted me off on my journey.
I don’t know how to describe the empty feeling that began to fall over me other than complete loneliness. I don’t ever remember feeling such detachment or utter loneliness in my life.
This is supposed to be fun I thought to myself, the sailing was magnificent but without someone to share it with it was empty. I turned the boat around and headed back to the harbor. I’ve always enjoyed day sailing solo as it is such a great way to clear the mind. I don’t know whats changed but I have no desire to sail alone.
Every journey has an end, the question is where do I go from here.
The most terrible poverty in this world is loneliness.
Mother Teresa
Alan: All of us are prone to elevate a dream or goal to mythical proportions, as if all our problems will be solved by a change of scenery, new love, new car, taking up Yoga, etc. When we finally achieve our goal, there is no big flash of light. We find the world did not change, our sadness does not suddenly evaporate, our fears don’t vanish, our heart is not mended. It isn’t the orgasmic epiphany we had hoped.
……….HOWEVER……. if the values, attributes and benefits of what attracted us to this “goal” in the first place (quitting an unfulfilling job, finishing a degree, getting a divorce, sailing off into the sunset) remain, then slowly but surely the cumulative effect on ourselves does manifest into incremental happiness and satisfaction. We acknowledge the accomplishment and develop pride in ourselves. We grow as individual beings. We learn just a little bit more about our self and the world around us. Moreover, we increasingly live each day by a creed we aspire to. This takes bravery and strength.
There is no quick and magic fix to the Human Condition. We remain flawed, foolish and lonely……but at least we are trying.
To live “deliberately”, still means to live with doubts and regrets, but at least every day you are taking action to improve your situation in a way you can believe in. Most of us don’t have the courage to do even that. We cruise through each day “wishing” tomorrow will be different and uttering the words “someday I’ll………”
You are a good guy who inspires others through both your successes and failures. We are proud of you and wish you only happiness. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Be Proud, Be Brave, Be Humble, Be Curious, Be Accepting, Be Loving, Be Yourself!
Thanks ken
your words are greatly appreciated and well received. The funny part in all of this is that Last night I had no issues leaving the harbor, I still have no working Yuloh or engine. Usually its a massive struggle sailing out and more than once I’ve been turned back. Getting back in is another story, Bellingham didn’t want me back and as the wind shifted I almost didn’t make it back to the slip. Its hot as hell today and blowing 15 knots from the north, I could have made Port Townsend running and reaching the whole way in a single day. 
Alan,
I think you have just figured out that you are a ‘process’ kinda guy. You seem to thrive in the process of creation. Perfectly normal… especially with somebody who is creative and suffers with ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’. Dreaming is a major and important part of the ‘process’, whatever it may be.
I love putting backpacking trips together, with an idea of the shots I want to capture. After I get the photo, I am no longer interested in it by the time I get home. Always looking for the next adventure and next great photo.
You want to be film maker, writer or sailor, find the idea and go with it. Once that spark of inspiration takes hold you’re good to go. Figure out the inspiration and theme of your creativity and go for it.
Obviously you need a greater outlet for your creativity, otherwise it is going to fester. You live in a great part of the country with a lot of natural inspiration. Get out and get it done… even if it doesn’t happen on a boat.
Take care and good luck,
rOg
I definitely do love the process, last night sailing into the great unknown was such a good feeling, navigation through the star lit night with just my compass and ruler kept me occupied while I tired to decide if I would stop at Eagle Harbor or go on further. Here in Washington the wind and tied dictates everything and its the challenge I love so much. Nowhere in the world am I more comfortable than I am on the sea.
6 years ago this whole dreamed hatched but I wasn’t alone, there was a plus one. I never would have considered such an undertaking alone. When my reservation was cancelled I didn’t miss a beat, I kept moving forward needing something to occupy my time. The problem is, is that I never stopped long enough to realize the dream had died long ago.
I rarely get lonely and spend most of my life in total seclusion. I don’t have a phone, there is no internet on my boat and cant remember inviting company over more than three times this year. My total social outlet is my little short wave radio. I don’t know what happened last night but it was like being sucked into a huge void. It was the first time I really had time to ponder all that was lost.
I’m not giving up my sailing dreams but now truly realize that I have no desire to sail solo. For now I will continue to sail with friends but also have postponed all future plans. I agree with you, I need something larger
Your raw honesty is refreshing and inspiring. I admire your willingness to put it all out there, good or bad, your ups or downs. Helps the rest of us not feel so alone
From a total stranger, who’s been reading your blog quite by random luck, and taking no small bit of inspiration there: it’s a touch disappointing to see your decision, but only you get to make these calls. It’s the essence of being “captain.”
I predict you find a partner/crew/accomplice in short order and are soon back to sea. Open yourself to that possibility.
Having sailed “off the edge of the map,” a couple times myself, I can assure you that it’s always a bit of a gut check. And that, for me, having a partner has always been central to the beauty of the experience.
PM me, if you like, and I’ll give you info for our little spot in the Gulf Islands. A cozy little stopping place on your inevitable trip.
There’s still plenty of time, even this year, to make your move. Don’t be hard on yourself.
And by the same token, don’t commit to staying, unless it’s really what you want to do. You are an adventure waiting to happen…
Thank you Isis, I can assure you I haven’t swallowed the anchor. Like you said this lifestyle isn’t always easy but in the end, at least for me it is to be shared. i plan on sailing through the winter should I be lucky enough to find some rag tag crew mate willing to brave the cold. I’d love to get your Lat and Long.
In that same situation I bet 99% of people would have experienced the same feelings you did Alan. I think you should look at it as a positive that you are a feeling and caring person. I remember a post by Randy at Mobile Kodgers were he showed a picture of a guy who parked his RV at the very end of a parking lot and then put traffic cones all around so that someone else would not park nearby. That guy probably wouldn’t have had the feeling of loneliness that you experienced but most others would.
I know you don’t like the cold winters and the pull of the water is still tugging at you but the tiny house community near Madison is starting to take shape with a closing on 15 acres and a rundown little house next Friday. There’s plenty of space for you to come build that cabin from recycled materials you’ve been dreaming about. The Ice Age Trail and Yellowstone state park are just minutes away. Whatever you do just continue to be true to yourself and everything will work out in the end.
John, I’ve been thinking about you allot lately and wondering how your project is going. I think its been about 4 years now since you first told me of the idea. All of the sudden its real not that it wasn’t before. I will definitely keep your offer in mind, I love Madison. Could you send me some pictures when you break ground? You are doing everything right, keep me posted. Alan
A couple of points that you should take with however many grains of salt as you wish:
#1) My wife wouldn’t agree to live aboard until the process – for her – stopped feeling like camping. In her case, that meant a functioning head, pressure hot water, a workable galley and a comfortable bunk. It was pointless to argue, so I bit the bullet and we found a boat that met her requirements as well as mine. Now she’s happy as a clam and we’ve been living aboard and cruising since 2007.
#2) The distinction between “my boat” and “our boat” is enormous, and making the compromises to ensure that she is fully “on board” is critical to a successful sailing partnership.
Hi ho
Harry, I seem to leave out quite a few of the more interesting parts of my life, I’m slowly writing a book about a bucket and I need to save some good stuff. So a few weeks ago I’m sitting on the boat with a glass of wine and two absolutely beautiful little pirate girls stroll past, one of them commented on how the Falmouth Cutter has always been one of her favorite boats. I can tell you i went straight into pirate mode and had them aboard withing seconds. I made snacks poured wine and we all were having a really good time. Kelli looked at me and said ” Can I ask you a personal question Alan?” Sure I said. “are you by any chance single?” um yes. She smiled and said well if you don’t get rid of that piss bucket and get a proper head you always will be, we all had a good laugh.
Hey man, there might be a time to give up, but this isn’t it. I was looking for your lights from the deck at sirens k6st night. Thought I saw you once, but it turned out a bcc. Getting out of the harbor is the hardest part of that trip, and you’re done that already. I’ve still got time of work on the 24th, so I can come help you get your yuloh in gear and sail with you back to pt, but I think it would be worthwhile to do the solo passage. Plus I could use some help on my projects – and I know I can pay you more than what your making now. So come to pt, put some cash in your cruising kitty, meet some little travelors and get on your way.
Ps. I got your package! Thanks so much for the shortwave! Did I even tell you mine broke at the end of lsat summer? Missed that thing. Anyway, I’ll see you soon, one way or another.
I knew your radio broke but it was when you and Sara were playing with mine I realized you guys needed one. Just a small token of appreciation for the Yuloh and all your help on the boat. Mine is my most prized possession. I don’t know what happened out there because I was having so much fun but I just couldn’t see spending 3 days in that empty void. The boat is perfect and sails like a dream, I have no issues handling her my self but I just knew something was missing. I don’t know how you do it sailing solo everywhere. I guess for me its about the voyage more than the destination and without someone to share that experience with it just seemed so empty. the wind has been weird here, yesterday it was blowing from both the north and south at the same time. If it blows from the west tonight and I expect that it will I’m going to go for short night sail, maybe just to Lummi and back.
*Travelers*
I don’t usually talk about it, but the first few days of a solo trip are always rough. I find I get super emotional, especially with finicky breezes and trying to get through the night with 15 minute power naps. It takes a week or two before I can settle down and enjoy it. Always a struggle, though.
I just talked to someone this morning. They spent 10 years building a cruising boat here in pt. They finally launched, but after 4 days at anchor they decided it wasn’t for them. Totally tragic. They never really have it a chance.
anyway, I say give it another go. Leaving the dock is really the hardest part. Get some good rest and leave in the morning. Don’t mind the tide getting out of bellingham bay. It takes forever. Just hug the east shore. The current flows south whether it’s ebbing our flooding and it’ll take you halfway to eagle harbor even if there’s no wind, so leave in the morning. Shoot for eagle harbor and enjoy the view from on top of cypress. From there you’ll want to wait for the tide to ebb. Hug the widbey side once you’re clear of deception pass and you’ll be free of most traffic. If you can make even 2 or 3 knots, you’ll catch the flood around point wilson. You’ll know whether you’re early our late when you round pt partridge. If you’re early, head up into the wind and round wilson from the west. If you’re late, stay on the widbey side and cut past morrowstone at the last possible moment. Wind will probably stay light, so you don’t want to fight the current. Throw your hook and have a nap and a beer. Might as well enjoy it out there.
Alan,
I know this is not an organic way to go about it, but have you ever considered looking for crew online or via Latitude 38? I know a few really amazing folks who’ve hooked up with great opportunities via those portals. I’m sure you’ve considered it….but just a thought. By the way, that cold beer is still waiting for you down here in Mexico so you better get back out there!
Katie and Mark
I have thought about it one way or another I will come claim that beer
I’m loving reading your blog more and more every day, it sounds nice and hot down there. PS I just added a links page you should check it out. If you don’t have Sean and Heather’s cruising guide you are missing out http://www.exploringcortez.com/index.html
Oh, it’s hot all right! We’ve gotten a bit of reprieve the last few days thankfully. In fact I just got back from a run on the beach with Wylie and it was delightfully overcast and even sprinkled on us. Lovely! We do have the Sean/Heather guide book – it’s already a little ragged and dog eared from pawing through it and dreaming.
We originally were going to start in Bellingham, then decided we wanted to begin with a more simple, do-able adventure this go around. Just some more thoughts…
Have you ever thought of just trailering The’ down to the Sea of Cortez? Much less daunting than sailing that coastline…and probably MUCH easier to persuade some sailing piratess into sailing tropical waters with you.
Katie
Hey guys, I briefly considered trailing her down but I’m not going to. I want the experience of sailing the coast and have been dreaming about it for years. I’ve missed my window this year, not because its too late but I just discovered dry rot in my rudder cheeks and still need to do an epoxy job before finding warm water. Its a set back but I’m not done with this area yet.
Some days are better than others. And company does tend to make life on a boat less lonely (but also more crowded).
We should rendezvous sometime. How about Eagle Harbor in September? I’d love to learn more about you and show you the Rock ‘n Row.
Cheers!
Chris Troutner
sanjuansufficiency.com
I would love to meet you guys but can’t commit just yet as I have no Idea where I will be in September. I’m hoping to be sailing till Nov1 then hauling out to do a few projects
Lets keep in touch, 
My two cents make the boat woman friendly and a woman will come. Unless you get, really, really, really … really lucky.
Pete
Hey Pete, oddly enough I’m not looking for someone. Yes I do hope to eventually share the boat with someone of the opposite genitalia but I was quite happy solo till this last trip so I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to do, or even thought about it. I find that the boat is quite comfortable and have had very few complaints about her. On the he sails, she sails side what I run into in the dating world is the total lack of ability in meeting a girl who isn’t tied down, ie 100k in student loans, mortgage, car, credit card debt…Not sure what my next step is but winter is coming, the leaves are turning red and falling and last night I was wearing a jack and stocking cap. I have enough to keep me busy while I plan my departure north in 2013 in the meantime I will have to suffer through short sailing trips in one of the most beautiful places on the planet.
I’m not going to lie. I felt a little defeated when I read this as I have been living vicariously through each post of this adventure. But, like all good adventures the fun is in looking back and telling the story. This adventure is not over. merely just beginning. Apparently the main character has not yet entered the story. Or has she?
I was just packing up when i got this. As of now this story is in development and the main character has of yet to be revealed. I’m headed down to rig the boat and have a friend coming to help me try yet again at a temporary Yuloh mount, then its off to explore the islands for a few days. If it was all down hill and fair winds it wouldn’t be much of a story or an adventure.
Awesome!
Not sure if you have ever seen this particular yuloh setup but it helped me build my first one on a friends flatboat to learn with. It worked so well I will be installing a similar (yet thicker) yuloh lock/lanyard on my Columbia 26 MKII when I get on it in two weeks.
http://triloboats.blogspot.com/2012/04/windless-running-on-grits.html
Thanks for the great link,that just may be the ticket.
I want to see crab. Take some shots of you eating big crab. Then its an adventure
You dont really expect to attract a mate with a 22 foot boat and no money right? Your a young guy…go make some money.Money is easy to get when your young.
Hey Glenn, thanks for taking the time to write. I actually do, the problem is that you have only read one post, you need to read the whole blog if you care understand what I am trying to accomplish and the only girl I’m willing to do it with is one who is ready able and willing to do it with me as I am. I could easily go out and earn money, I average an astonishing amount of money when I choose to work, of course it comes with a huge signing bonus and lots of fringe benefits
This journey isn’t about money, its about life.