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DISCLAIMER! I’m drunk, pissed, three sheets to the wind. I can’t verify that any of the following is true, in fact its a pack of lies…all of it, every word.

How to shit in a bucket

I had never seen a more disgusting array of cluttered shit in my entire life. For the first and only time in what is now over 25 years of sailing I was puking my brains out, green around the gills and ready to give up sailing forever. We were in a brand new and very expensive 38′ sailboat I had borrowed for the weekend from the charter company I managed. The conditions were amazing, quartering in 15′ seas and 25 knot winds. I don’t know why we forgot to empty the holding but when a huge wave came out of nowhere hitting us broadside the boat was literally thrown off the wave we were surfing, the full holding tank split wide open and all hell broke loose.

One by one I sent people down to investigate and one by one they came up green and dove for the rail. I was the last of the brave solders to head into battle and lasted less than 10 seconds before wrenching my delicious breakfast overboard. This wasn’t my boat and I was incredibly concerned for her care. We had 75 miles to go and most of them were spent dealing with this shitty mess or gagging violently.

Months later that boat still stunk like shit and was eventually sold at a huge discount. Nothing could save that boat, it was tragic. I’ve been on thousands of boats and never once have I been on one where I couldn’t smell shit wafting through the boat, new or old they all stink. People always tell me their boats don’t stink but the truth is you just get used to it, well I don’t!

I really cant imagine anything more disgusting than hauling around 20 gallons of crap, usually under your bed but that’s what boaters do. The newer composting toilets smell better inside but up on deck anywhere near the vent the smell of wafting shit is always present.

Port a-potties are gross and stink more of chemical and have to emptied daily. No matter what you do you are shit out of luck.

The day that holding tank split I vowed never again to have any form of holding tank aboard. We use a bucket and have for over 20 years, if you have a modern boat try a plastic bucket over cedar.

So how then do you shit in a bucket? At the docks we use the local head, at sea we dump everything overboard and in crowded anchorages we use Wag Bags that are legal in every anchorage world wide. People often give me shit about my bucket, no pun intended but of all the things boaters do, dumping my pee pee overboard is the least offensive. Diesel engines spew a huge amount of raw fuel overboard, copper clad bottom paint kills everything in the harbor and all those chemicals we use to keep our boats pretty should and one day will be criminal. Is my potty that bad?

I think the most interesting thing about my bucket is that I have yet to have any girl refuse to use it, many guys seem to get weird-ed out but that’s what the rail is for. Serena taught herself “read I left her on the boat at anchor with no dingy :)” while I was out playing, a true sailorette.

Shit happens ~Forrest Gump

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