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The boat is full and everything is put away but its an organized disaster much like my life.  I’ve long since understood that the boat will never be finished but at some point you simply have to come to the reality that its good enough.  The second reality that I’ve come to understand more and more as the year progresses is that its no longer about the boat.

moleskine

As of today I still have no idea what i’m doing for the balance of the year but what ever it is its unfolding.  In a random act of insanity I started making barter offers all over the web, my expensive junk for yours, you know the old saying one mans trash is another mans treasure.  Almost new Camera gear checked off the list I have turned my sights on lenses and a Macbook.

It all started when I was designing a hidden safe on the boat for valuable trinkets I cant seem to let go of.  I don’t have a way to lock the boat and quite frankly I don’t plan on ever having one.  Letting go of sentimental items has been hard for me but more and more I see them as a weight bearing down on my life.  Things I don’t want, things I don’t use and things I don’t need.  These things are fairly expensive and the burden of protecting them is a constant source of stress.  I went through this same process when I moved out of my house, I couldn’t bear to let go all the furnishing that I had custom built to match my lifestyle.  I carted a 600 lb Lincoln Log bed that sat 4 feet off the ground through 4 states paying thousands of dollars in moving and storage fee’s before letting go.

So I’m having a fit with my shit computer trying to edit film tests on a camera that is brilliant as a camera but intolerable as a video camera when it hits me, or doesn’t depends on how you look at it.

I asked myself what the fuck I’m doing here but I have no answer.  I don’t know what my drive is or even where it comes from but there is something out there, something I love, something I’m so driven to do that I do it like clockwork, constantly and for free.  The fact that I continue to do it with as much if not substantially more enthusiasm than I did 7 years ago when it all started is proof my life is sailing on a starboard tack.

I’ve never tried to control my life, I prefer to go with the flow.  On a whim I took my entire production tablet, my Moelskine notebook with thousands of notes and story boards and burned it well below the high tide line.  Its ashes drifted away with the incoming tide.  It feels good to be free of both the mental and physical.  Now all I have to do is sit back and watch it all unfold.

“The sparrow is sorry for the peacock at the burden of its tail.” 
~ Amitendranth Tagore

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