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I’m reminded of a morbid scene I witnessed many years ago. I couple sitting on a park bench in thier warm winter clothes throwing bread to the pidgeons.  Behind them a man lays crumpled up in the dirt, freezing and starving.  They would have done more to save a dog but this man doesn’t exist to them, they are blind to his torment and pain.

I walk over and put my hand on his shoulder, I hand him 20 bucks and he clenches it with a smile…

Last night a kitten found me preparing dinner I pulled out of the trash. She purrs and nuzzles at me for attention she is lonely and hungry, we both are. She is so skinny I worry about her, so skinny. We share our dinner and I name her Punani meaning heavenly flower.  I want to take her home and bath her and feed her and make her well but she resists, she is wild. Perhaps too wild, perhaps like me on an unknown journey.  I want to help her but she refuses, she is so skinny… Her affection makes me smile but her plight hurts my heart I want to save her but I can’t, just like I couldn’t save the homeless guy in the park. 

I feel blessed to have a meal to share with her.  If she comes back tonight I will share my can of roast beef with her, she is so skinny. She wanders off and I am lost in thought,  I think about how lost and afraid I have been at times lately and how strong I have become. How I have learned to take nothing for granted, not a single peanut nor breath of air. I indulge in gratitude i think about Sterling Hayden and his famous quote.   I possess all the things he talks about and I smile. Sterling went to sea to find himself. I think of other writers like Hemmingway who found his story in Cuba. Hunter S. Thompson found his in Puerto Rico and then there was Michener, I’m sittin in his back yard. I don’t have to read his words, I’m writing my own. 

For three straight days I wept more often than not. Washing my soul with tears from heaven. I was near my breaking point.  I look back now at that weak minded little person I used to be, now that I am crawling out of the hole I had dug for myself I finally understand.  You can’t dig your way out.  If you are trapped in a hole stop digging.

I look around my soul and today I discover something about myself.  I am the weathiest man alive. I have the one thing that every man seeks, but seldom finds. II have If only for a short period found true freedom.  I want more but not at the expense of selling my soul.  In my lifetime I have been very successful and also a complete failure.  Today I start my search for a happy medium, a new story and a reasonable life.  

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