Its interesting going through life not actually knowing if your going to live through the day. With all the wonders of modern science they still can’t figure out what’s wrong with my brain. I feel my life slipping away but it doesn’t really matter cause there is nothing I can do about it.
There are good days and bad, this whole week has been bad but I still find a way to get out and live. Anchored in thirty feet of water I heard a splash and with it went my unreplaceable sailing knife given to me by my grandfather. Sure I could just go buy another one but it wouldn’t be the same. Sometimes we don’t fully appreciate what we have till it’s gone. Like my life my little pocket knife gets my praise and appreciation every day. It’s over 8 years old now and like my lost sailing knife this little gem holds a very sentimental attachment. I’ve used this knife to the full extent possible from cooking to scraping blisters and inspecting rotten bulkheads and carving pieces of this or that for Sookies interior.. Using it in the line of my sailing duties I have pushed it far beyond it limits year in and year out. The only sign of wear is that the top handle is faded from the sun where it sticks out of my pocket. I’ve also used it in one way or another for every single project in Sookies refit.
So my vertigo is annoying to no end, it’s like being seasick 18 hours a day but I do my best to carry on. If Sookie is my last project I want her to look like a million bucks before I go to that big ocean in the sky. Each morning I wake up content that I haven’t wasted a single day of my life and haven’t and won’t change any aspect of how I live. I wonder why more people don’t take this approach always waiting for some magical date or…
It’s sac religious for me to sand down my beautiful wood again and again but I always know that when I’m done with my last coat she will be well protected and easy on th eyes until the next time. Like my mind, my knifes and all other tools are cared for in he same manor, always well oiled and sharped. I’ve been doing quite a lot of life assessment these days, it seems like a waste of time to be entering yet another midlife crisis when I don’t even know if I’ll make it through the day but it’s still fun to do. Taking inventory of my life I have very little that was purchased new and while I certainly don’t have the best of everything, I make the best of everything.
Walking through the boatyard after a trash run, I’m surrounded by old, neglected and unloved boats I wonder how they had fallen so far from grace. Once loved and cherished both Shiny and new, they are now alone and lonely sitting in the yard of broken dreams. One of the first things I tell new sailing students is that your boat will only love you as much as you love her. I could write a hundred books of ships at sea and the storms I have sailed though but I don’t need to waste my time, one look at Sookie is all you need to know how much she loves and cares for me.
From the log of Sookie-April San Juan islands. Talking to a passerby on the dock she asks “aren’t you afraid when your out there all alone and storms and dark and no help and no security.” Yes I replied I am often afraid. “Then why do you do it?” Because if you aren’t afraid of the life you are living than you are not really living, you just sitting in the waiting room of death all warm and secure waiting for this ride to be over having never even experienced it.