I never should have come back to the boat, I knew I wasn’t ready to face it and the memories. I was mentally prepared for my arrival and I was prepared for what I would surely face in the first few days or weeks but I wasn’t prepared for what would turn into a daily bout of depression. I miss Chloe so much and while I thought time would heal the wounds and in some ways it does but being here without her has opened the flood gates of loss on a constant and daily basis.
Another cold and blustery day, I’m glad I got out on the bike yesterday because it’s just too cold for me today. The haul out is scheduled, I’ve borrowed a tent till my one man cave shows up. I pulled out my trusty pack and it’s time to start thinking like a landlubber. I have everything I need and nothing more. My bike and my pack are ready to roll.
Drifting off to all the experiences I’ve had in the last year I feel them so close I can almost touch them. How far I am from this day last year, drifting through the Desolation Sound and Discovery Islands in hundred degree tempuratures. Backpacking Oregon and making wine. Carrying my best friends lifeless body and trying to let go. Hawaii, Maui, Sherrif John Brown, I’m always reminded of the scene from the Big Lebowski ” Stay out of Malibu Lebowski”. The journey home to a place that felt like home more than any I know, yet always empty and cold without my pup. Dealing with my fucked up brain and becoming a medical pin cussion. And now letting go of my sailing dreams of rounding Vancouver island this year.
Sometimes you just need to run away and that’s what I’m doing, more journeys to try and settle the soul. Maybe next year will be different, it doesn’t matter because I don’t plan anything more than a few days in advance if even that. Mel ordered her new Brompty and with a little luck we will pedal off into the sunset in September chasing the long days of summer. I know I’ll miss the boat the second I step off her but sometimes it good to want and need and mostly just know that if you ever want or need it that you have a home out there somewhere patiently waiting your return…
“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”
― Josh Billings